when i was 17
i stole my mothers secret cigarettes
and all i did was think of sex
and that's ok

when i turned 18
i learned to love redhat
i studied sartre and watched star trek
i hated when my family drank

and when i was 19
i recorded a record that changed everything
people noticed and noticed me
and it set me free

falling in and out of love
the pain and the euphoria
taking risks, and throwing dreams away
we moved out west
i watched you break
when i came back
i was not OK
i buried myself in work
and got lost in the pain

and when i quit my job
i thought that i would just write songs
that something new would come along
and i'd be ok
and then i started drinking whiskey everyday
nursing my own “secret” pain
of all the things i couldn’t face

falling in and out of love
isn’t the same when you’re always drunk
it turns out you can’t fuck the pain away
burning dreams
and burning cash
think of the old days
with a bittersweet laugh
a smile of a friend
or a song that we made
but the last time i saw you
your eyes seemed so dead
and i paid a stranger
to tie me to the bed
to spit on my face
and get off on all that i gave away
and help me just drown in my shame
and get off on all of this pain
let drink and desire just wash me away

the liquor store employees know me well
when i come out of my little cell
to make my lonely rounds everyday

ill masturbate until i go blind
drunk dial old friends, then press rewind
press play and rewind and repeat and press play