Another Day In Which We Do Not Explode

by Trust Darkness

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the gas is filling the room and i dont want it to stop the pilot went out days ago and i cant seem to find a light im just trying to sort through the past and for now, its jut not quite working out im just trying to forgive myself for mistakes and what ifs and what nows but the house isnt burning up just yet so for now if i could just clear my head in the morning i could wake to forget where the night will just lead me again the windows are not sealed so tight and i cant hold my hands steady enough asphixiation feels just right when you can't find your way to the door but im still trying, gasping for breath so i havent given up just yet the balance between gas and oxygen isn't quite right for the reaction to begin so the house isn't burning up just yet...
im not scared of dying im scared of looking in the mirror im not scared of crying im scared of drying my eyes of tears and if this is all i have to say this voice should just fade away because there's enough fear without my mistakes and every morning feels so strange I will not expand i will not explain these eyes will only dilate they will not contract they will not relate and the stone will not be rolled away on the third day i will not find peace i will not go home i will not believe im not really breathing im just absorbing every word this isnt grieving its just acting what we've learned and im not really giving up im just investing in faith this isn't really love its just words that we've arranged and every morning feels so strange i will not expand i will not explain this voice will not resonate it will not spew words only hesitate and the stone will not be rolled away on the third day i will not find peace i will not go home i will not believe and these means just aren't suggesting ends this trembling hand can barely hold this pen I'll try to write my piece if i can remember what these words mean maybe there's still hope to find relief or find release...
ive forgotten how to bleed this blood only knows how to clot it should flow but its not so im just listening patiently in hopes to decipher each word theres a hidden message im sure in this whispering voice... ive forgotten how to breathe but dont be scared its only symbolic air and im tired of sifting for meaning so im huddling here in my room cradling fears of doom and the phone just rings, it rings and rings all day the buzzer broke, but they're knocking on the windows St. Peter's on the phone, he wants to take me home but im not ready for the credits to roll St Peter's at the door... ive forgotten how to speak it all comes in stutters and slurs, self directed whispers so im finally learning how to sleep with the help of this natural gas until a spark lights it at last ive forgotten how to think... blink... see... dream these eyes are going to dry out
the distance between two thoughts... time's shortest measure or paper airplanes on the platform... a message in a bottle but the pilot light is out again i hear my own voice whispering i just can't stop this blistering i hear my own voice whispering oh no we must learn to bleed again ive already said oh no we must learn to breathe again strangers on the elevator no one is talking one way glass we venerate and nobody's listening i feel the future coming near i hear my own voice whispering oh no i just can't shake this sense of fear i hear my own voice whispering oh no because the gas is filling the room
"help is on the way" how many pills we take how many drinks we down just how long before we drown and on the seventh day he rests we tried to make this less than human contact could relate sex and money, class and faith "now im deep in this new hell with one way to fight back but i know ill fail, i always do ill give my all but they'll burn right through"
this isnt really grieving our deaths these arent tears theyre only pretend but im ready to leave my body behind me im ready to let go of all that defines me but St. Peter doesn't recognize me i told him "I have to apologize please understand, it was not you I just could not bear to go through the daily pleasantries of 'how are you'" this isn't bleeding its just assembling words and this isn't dreaming because you pinch and it hurts but the gas all seems to have disappated they keep sending me bills i keep frogetting to pay them and I never answered the phone even though i was really at home and so St Peter must be holding a grudge I never answered the door even though I was really at home and so St Peter says the gates are closed "Im sorry sir, you'll have to go" so this isnt acting Ive realized we breathe and im clutching my stomach in the depths of my grief so Im opening windows to let in the breeze in hopes that passersby will help me find peace because words just aren't bringing relief and words just aren't bringing release


originally released under artist name "Sleep Deprivation"


released January 1, 2007


all rights reserved



Trust Darkness Seattle, Washington

aka Sleep Deprivation aka __mt__ aka mikeyT... a drummer with a guitar, trying to figure out what to do with himself in his late 30s.

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