have I slowly been reprogrammed by myself? to desire nothing but fantasy? and will desire defeat me? (or could desire complete me?) am I getting any closer to the day when they'll be no need to stay awake? because I'm learning to love my blackouts I'm learning to love to pass out this numbness is finally settling in.

wake up in the hospital thinking "this has got to end" or wake up to the cops pounding on my door brought by a worried friend who doesn't know that i've been shitting blood for weeks from licking at my own wounds and i've been praying for bad luck but this is just bad news wake up from a dream where i was a better man or wake up from a dream where something forced my hand see, if i was forced to act to save myself i'm sure i could fix all this so i'm praying for bad luck, but that's not what this is i just can't stay standing up i can't speak, there's no voice, there's no spark i'll buy jim beam when i can't afford makers mark there are no red flags that could get me to make a fresh start i can't make red flags turn to white...

and how the body holds you back it bangs and screams but your voice just cracks and on and on your mind reacts you try to push her, run away but you whisper, begging her to stay your conscience bends and weaves and sways your brain excusing alibis you linger, "baby one more time" you're breathing death, you're breathing life you're always begging her for more just bodies strewn across the floor you hope that someone's keeping score and somewhere down inside someone is trying to hide someone confusing bliss with things that don't exist somewhere down inside someone is trying to cry someone is trying to relive things he cannot forgive i feel so week awake or asleep this war is with myself i don't want your goddamned help Will you wake from a long sleep?

when i was 17 i stole my mothers secret cigarettes and all i did was think of sex and that's ok when i turned 18 i learned to love redhat i studied sartre and watched star trek i hated when my family drank and when i was 19 i recorded a record that changed everything people noticed and noticed me and it set me free falling in and out of love the pain and the euphoria taking risks, and throwing dreams away we moved out west i watched you break when i came back i was not OK i buried myself in work and got lost in the pain and when i quit my job i thought that i would just write songs that something new would come along and i'd be ok and then i started drinking whiskey everyday nursing my own “secret” pain of all the things i couldn’t face falling in and out of love isn’t the same when you’re always drunk it turns out you can’t fuck the pain away burning dreams and burning cash think of the old days with a bittersweet laugh a smile of a friend or a song that we made but the last time i saw you your eyes seemed so dead and i paid a stranger to tie me to the bed to spit on my face and get off on all that i gave away and help me just drown in my shame and get off on all of this pain let drink and desire just wash me away the liquor store employees know me well when i come out of my little cell to make my lonely rounds everyday ill masturbate until i go blind drunk dial old friends, then press rewind press play and rewind and repeat and press play

i looked up barely awake just enough to see your worried face i passed out and then misplaced three weeks just like magnets passing across a tape this evil can't do anything to me if it's me i scrounged around this whole goddamned place and none of these bottles have anything left not a drop, not a trace my liver making me sick watching the clock move slowly toward a fix i don't know how i got here shit just built up till i couldn't feel any emotion but fear can i listen to you when you tell me that i'm just a sick man that i'm just a small man that i need help? can i listen to you when you tell me that i'm just a weak man an incomplete man that i need help? because i'm in hell.

this is how it works it hurts this is how it works: it hurts and if you think that no one cares well pull up a chair share honestly if you can and if you start to cry, well, everyone here will understand this is how it works: it hurts let's be honest, let's be frank i'm all fucked up, i can't think straight but i'm here, i showed up, isn't that enough? this is how it works: it hurts and if you think you have no chance just keep on comin back and if you only can feel pain then i guess we're all the same that's how we know we're changing this is how it works: it hurts let's not beat around the bush i know no one will forgive me for what i've done just keep swimming in this drink at least then i won't have to feel anything let's not beat around the bush i know no one wants to hear the shit i've done please keep me from taking this drink i'll just sit here and listen this is how it works: it hurts