Red Flags

by Trust Darkness

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03:03

about

I wrote and recorded these two albums as a tribute, requiem, reflection on my ~14 years in Chicago. There's a lot of confession, darkness, uncertainty, and unanswered questions in them. They're meant to be a sort of prequel and main act. For those who know, Red Flags is about how things were and what happened. White Flags is about what things are like now.

There is a story in here to tell somewhere. I'm not sure I've found it yet. I've had some dark times, and mostly things are a lot better now. I have a lot to be grateful for, and there are more than a few people I hurt along the way. I can't say I have no regrets, but as it says in A Groundswell... "though there have been mistakes, they created this life that I hold dear." Maybe you can find some story in here that says something about you.

credits

released August 25, 2018

Recorded by Jamie Carter at Puff Valley
Additional tracking by __mt__ in forest park and north admiral
Mixed by __mt__
Mastered by Carl Saff
Executive Producers: Michael Sack and Luis Valadez.
Cover art by Anna Valenty, used under Standard Licesne
All Rights Reserved.
trustdarkness.com
lastminuterecords.com

license

all rights reserved

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about

Trust Darkness Seattle, Washington

aka Sleep Deprivation aka __mt__ aka mikeyT... a drummer with a guitar, trying to figure out what to do with himself in his late 30s.

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Track Name: truth (reprise)
have I slowly been reprogrammed by myself?
to desire nothing but fantasy?
and will desire defeat me?
(or could desire complete me?)
am I getting any closer to the day
when they'll be no need to stay awake?
because I'm learning to love my blackouts
I'm learning to love to pass out
this numbness is finally settling in.
Track Name: praying for bad luck
wake up in the hospital
thinking "this has got to end"
or wake up to the cops pounding on my door
brought by a worried friend
who doesn't know that i've been shitting blood for weeks
from licking at my own wounds
and i've been praying for bad luck
but this is just bad news

wake up from a dream
where i was a better man
or wake up from a dream
where something forced my hand
see, if i was forced to act to save myself
i'm sure i could fix all this
so i'm praying for bad luck,
but that's not what this is

i just can't stay standing up
i can't speak, there's no voice, there's no spark
i'll buy jim beam when i can't afford makers mark
there are no red flags
that could get me to make a fresh start

i can't make red flags turn to white...
Track Name: dark horse
and how the body holds you back
it bangs and screams
but your voice just cracks
and on and on your mind reacts
you try to push her, run away
but you whisper, begging her to stay
your conscience bends and weaves and sways

your brain excusing alibis
you linger, "baby one more time"
you're breathing death,
you're breathing life
you're always begging her for more
just bodies strewn across the floor
you hope that someone's keeping score

and somewhere down inside
someone is trying to hide
someone confusing bliss
with things that don't exist
somewhere down inside
someone is trying to cry
someone is trying to relive
things he cannot forgive

i feel so week
awake or asleep
this war is with myself
i don't want your goddamned help

Will you wake from a long sleep?
Track Name: secret cigarettes
when i was 17
i stole my mothers secret cigarettes
and all i did was think of sex
and that's ok

when i turned 18
i learned to love redhat
i studied sartre and watched star trek
i hated when my family drank

and when i was 19
i recorded a record that changed everything
people noticed and noticed me
and it set me free

falling in and out of love
the pain and the euphoria
taking risks, and throwing dreams away
we moved out west
i watched you break
when i came back
i was not OK
i buried myself in work
and got lost in the pain

and when i quit my job
i thought that i would just write songs
that something new would come along
and i'd be ok
and then i started drinking whiskey everyday
nursing my own “secret” pain
of all the things i couldn’t face

falling in and out of love
isn’t the same when you’re always drunk
it turns out you can’t fuck the pain away
burning dreams
and burning cash
think of the old days
with a bittersweet laugh
a smile of a friend
or a song that we made
but the last time i saw you
your eyes seemed so dead
and i paid a stranger
to tie me to the bed
to spit on my face
and get off on all that i gave away
and help me just drown in my shame
and get off on all of this pain
let drink and desire just wash me away

the liquor store employees know me well
when i come out of my little cell
to make my lonely rounds everyday

ill masturbate until i go blind
drunk dial old friends, then press rewind
press play and rewind and repeat and press play
Track Name: incomplete man
i looked up
barely awake
just enough to
see your worried face
i passed out
and then misplaced
three weeks
just like magnets
passing across a tape

this evil can't do anything to me
if it's me

i scrounged around
this whole goddamned place
and none of these bottles
have anything left
not a drop, not a trace
my liver
making me sick
watching the clock
move slowly toward a fix
i don't know
how i got here
shit just built up
till i couldn't feel any emotion but fear

can i listen to you when you tell me
that i'm just a sick man
that i'm just a small man
that i need help?
can i listen to you when you tell me
that i'm just a weak man
an incomplete man
that i need help?

because i'm in hell.
Track Name: it hurts
this is how it works
it hurts

this is how it works: it hurts
and if you think that no one cares
well pull up a chair
share honestly if you can
and if you start to cry,
well, everyone here will understand
this is how it works: it hurts

let's be honest, let's be frank
i'm all fucked up, i can't think straight
but i'm here, i showed up,
isn't that enough?

this is how it works: it hurts
and if you think you have no chance
just keep on comin back
and if you only can feel pain
then i guess we're all the same
that's how we know we're changing
this is how it works: it hurts

let's not beat around the bush
i know no one will forgive me for what i've done
just keep swimming in this drink
at least then i won't have to feel anything
let's not beat around the bush
i know no one wants to hear the shit i've done
please keep me from taking this drink
i'll just sit here and listen

this is how it works: it hurts

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